Helping Our Kids Destress
In 2008, my world changed. I became a Mom. Everything I thought I knew about the mental health field and counseling families took on a whole new perspective. I began to wonder if, as parents, we are all collectively curious whether or not others are learning the same things and searching for the same manual I was. Working in the Mental Health Field, primarily as a school-based Counselor, has allowed me to learn some common struggles among families––especially at the start of school. I have worked with families for years, written for MomLife Today on building bravery, among other common topics, and have found that part of the challenge is wondering if everyone goes through similar experiences during different seasons of parenting, and the answer is yes. We are collectively learning to care for our kids. My vantage point in the Mental Health field has allowed me to understand the trends and increases in the implementation of polyvagal theory––more specifically, our nervous system and the somatic tools we can teach our kids early on, offering one of the best gifts we can give them: the ability to regulate their emotions. These skills are particularly beneficial during a season of the year when the hurry, hustle, and newness can bring on a whole new experience for our kids and may leave us seeking ways to help them.
The first several weeks of a new school year bring many different feelings for kids and families. There can be several obstacles and relationships to navigate. New routines, sleep patterns, people, experiences, rules, and expectations exist. This can be tough and cause unnecessary dysregulation when the alternative is processing and learning to manage these things well.
Do you have a memory of your childhood where you felt calm and relaxed because an adult showed you how to regulate your emotions, noticed how you felt, and cared for you when you were stressed? Search for the memory, and I’ll share mine. I remember walking home from school to my Grandma’s, having a snack waiting for me, and having a good conversation that would make me laugh and feel better after a day of feeling nervous and uncertain. Little moments like this go a long way in learning to enjoy life.
I also remember being so frightened after a dog chased me home from school and arriving at my Grandma’s house shaken and unable to articulate what had happened. I just felt scared. I had a rush of panic that caused my heart to race, my mind to go blank, and tears to stream down my face. Once I finally told my Grandma what had happened, she put it in perspective, hugged me tight, told me I was safe, and helped me find a different route to walk home. This is a practical example of regulating emotions and our nervous system:
Share the problem or stress
Identify how it makes us feel
Process ways of managing feelings and meeting the need for regulation
Problem-solve
We must teach this to our kids. However, we cannot teach what we have not learned ourselves. Maybe you grew up in a household where you were held and settled as a baby, knowing the best possible ways of regulation through co-regulation with a safe, secure parent. Or maybe you didn’t.
Either way, I would strongly encourage you to consider where you’re at with distress tolerance. Aundi Kolber is an expert on Polyvagal Theory and has published two books I highly recommend, Try Softer and Strong Like Water. In her book Strong Like Water, she mentions two resources that I’m about to share. These are time-tested techniques for helping to regulate ourselves. Feel free to consider the following if it seems helpful to you.
If you haven’t taken the time to notice your own emotions, now is as good a time as any.
How do you manage your stress?
Have you checked in with yourself?
Where are you with the day-to-day stresses of life?
How do you carry them, confront them, or let them go?
Do you notice a change in your breathing or heart rate or have racing thoughts?
…if so, step back to the first technique above and consider some self-care!
Technique One: Maximize Your Capacity
Some of us are at our maximum capacity with a cup filled to the brim. Others may reach their maximum capacity at just a few drops in the cup. In different seasons, we all have different capacities. If you’re at low capacity, there is no judgment here. That’s all of us sometimes. Can I encourage you to make time for yourself? Engaging in self-care practices like exercise, receiving a therapeutic massage, attending therapy sessions, or creating a calming atmosphere with a lit candle, a warm cup of tea, and an engaging book can promote relaxation and invigoration, contributing to your overall well-being. Practice your own self-care—your capacity tells you you need it. Doing these things for yourself can make space for the energy and ability for whatever the day-to-day brings.
Technique Two: Put the Heavy Stuff Away (for a bit)
If you are carrying a arm full of heavy things and struggle to stay present with your child, can I offer a therapeutic technique? Create a compartment in your mind—imagine a box, a closet, a storage bin—just somewhere you can put those things away while you’re with your children. If you need to process whatever you’re thinking to make it small enough to carry, make time, too. You matter.
Our kids need us to show them how to take care of themselves. This might mean a cookie and a glass of milk while discussing the highlights of their day, or it might mean making space for big emotions. Our kids are learning, at school and home, how to regulate their emotions and handle the day-to-day stresses they may encounter. As parents, the only way we can model regulated emotions is to process our own. This removes the risk of burdening our children with our emotions while also teaching them to navigate their own feelings.
Our kids often observe how we manage stress to learn how to deal with theirs. Suppose a child doesn’t learn emotional regulation from an adult modeling this in a healthy way in their formative years. In that case, they will most likely become dysregulated adults simply reacting to their emotions without processing them.
Our bodies are made for resilience and survival. Our bodies alert us to stress and manage our adverse experiences. Our nervous system remains heightened and alarmed to navigate ourselves to safety. Children are still learning to regulate their nervous system and emotional state. What’s worse, when a child’s nervous system signals an alarm to them, they aren’t yet able to differentiate between a primal threat (a tiger is chasing me!) to a modern childhood challenge (I’m not sure how I fit in socially yet.) To teach them to de-stress independently, we must offer them ways of doing so. Consider the techniques below.
When children learn to calm themselves down and share their thoughts and feelings, they can identify needs and navigate things more confidently and positively. Teaching our children to become independent and regulate their emotions is a goal that, as parents, we must become intentional about.
In these early days of the start of school, try implementing these resources to help your child get off to a good start while becoming more aware of themselves and their feelings. Not only will it help you start the school year—it’ll help your children grow into emotionally aware and regulated adults.
Techniques to Destress
Focus on breathing and find ways of regulating breathing through different techniques- box breathing, blowing bubbles, etc.
Find a song with a strong message that allows for emotional expression.
Encourage coloring or drawing to release emotion and engage the mind while listening to relaxing music.
Grounding- walk outside or in the room you are in, notice the things around you through all of your senses, and name them out loud.
Exercise- Some kids have stored tension in their bodies (just like many adults), and stretching or exercise allows for releasing that tension.
Anything that helps your child notice their emotions, reset, and identify what they need is teaching them to regulate their emotions and stay inside their window of tolerance to carry the day-to-day easier.
Self-affirmations and mindfulness.
Identifying a safe space or a memory that felt calm and at rest.
Shannon Soto, MA, QMHP-C is a Community Counselor- primarily based in the school setting. She is a counselor who cares and brings her heart to each session and setting she works in. Shannon works with clients and families in real-time to improve everyday experiences through gaining coping skills for emotional regulation- identifying emotions and tracing them to the need, CBT- reframing maladaptive thought patterns, DBT- skills for best functioning, teaching about stress responses and the impact on their body and wellbeing, and overall empowering clients to develop self-efficacy to maintain healthy living and relationships.